More Differenter Somethings...

If you remember ('cause it's been a loooong time), Carrie and I had to do an extensive autobiography for our upcoming adoption. So far, we've talked about my parents, my family, and my life through highschool... Now for some thoughts about life in college and beyond- Feel free to read this with a grain of salt- My memory is nowhere near 20-20.

In the fall of 1987 I entered my freshman year at Anderson University, in Anderson Indiana. My parent’s alma mater, there really was little doubt that I would be enrolled there as well. August meant two weeks of football practice, which gave me a chance to fit in and establish myself prior to the beginning of the orientation process for freshmen. My college football career was uneventful- I went from only losing a couple of games during my entire junior high and high school career to going 0-10 my freshman year. In all actuality, we only won ten games in the four years that I played. Highlights for me were two academic all American awards, and being a four year starter while none of my more athletic high schoolmates played more than two years at their respective institutions.

In college, I became involved with a social and service fraternity, with men’s chorus, and made a number of friends in my residence halls. I was also able to travel to serve in Peru and in the Cayman Islands over Christmas holidays, and became a teaching assistant in the psychology department. I enjoyed the late night conversations and debates, as well as the fun of the pranks and events that a group of 18-21 year old men can create when given enough time and caffeine.

In college, there were several people that I would consider friends; two guys that I lived with and one other that was in my social club and men’s chorus. The first two were friendships that were typical of my earlier relationships; we were close while we were close- I did not do a good job maintaining contact with them once I had moved on to the next stage of my life. My friend Carl, though is someone that I still am close with and who was in my wedding. We actually became closer friends during my return to Anderson for seminary and later, as he and his family were a welcoming respite for me in the midst of a difficult time later in my life.

Unfortunately, my ability to develop healthy relationships with women did not develop as well, and I continued to see dating more as a way to build my own self image. We often joked that the male to female ratio at Anderson was 5-1; I easily dated through my quota in the first couple of months of my freshman year. Throughout my college career, there were often times when I would be hanging out with one coed only to have one (or two) others pop in to visit. Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe the ensuing conversations. There were, though, two separate relationships that allowed me to learn about myself; one of which was significant enough to shape my decisions about graduate programs.

I also struggled with depression for the first couple of years of my college tenure, and was involved in counseling on a couple of different occasions. However, I ultimately was able to develop self care skills which allowed me to not only understand more about myself but also to see the importance of psychology from a deeper level. As such, I became more and more confident that I was called to work directly with people in crisis. I graduated with honors in June of 1991 with a major in psychology and a minor in religion.

I had applied to a number of graduate schools, and was accepted to several prestigious institutions. However, as I mentioned earlier, I chose to attend the University of Kentucky in order to maintain a relationship with a young woman who I had dated during college. Ironically, my historic inability to commit to a relationship with her led to her breaking up with me three days after I accepted the opportunity to study in Lexington. The depressive affect that I had worked through earlier returned for the next several months.

My experience at UK was somewhat disappointing; primarily because I was well prepared for the academic rigors of the program. Who would have known that small Anderson University could have prepared me as well as it did? I was involved with the athletic tutoring program (football and basketball), and became very involved with the church that I discovered; teaching Sunday school, leading worship, and singing in the choir. It was one of the first times that I felt welcomed for who I was and what I could bring rather than the fact that I was the son of the pastor.

It was also during this time that I experienced a faith crisis that would shape my understanding of my vocational call. While I value my college degree, I have often thought that my choice of institution resulted in an environment where I was not forced to think through my faith; instead, it was easier to just continue to have my beliefs reinforced. In graduate school, I was confronted with philosophies and thoughts that challenged my understanding of my spirituality. Part of this was a deeper exploration of the worlds of psychology, sociology, and anthropology. Part of this, though, was due to yet another series of relational losses. During Christmas of my final year in my masters program, I experienced a breakup with my fiancé at the time and the death of my maternal grandmother. While this was difficult enough to wrestle with, what impacted me most was the absence of support from my faith community, where my fiancé’s family had attended for years. I felt no care from any of our pastoral staff or my friends during my final months in Kentucky- it was as if I had ceased to exist because I no longer had my dating relationship.

I chose to cope somewhat with my losses by seeking out two internships as a part of my degree- the first with a hospice organization, and the second with pastoral counseling clinic at a large suburban church. Ultimately, I came to the realization that most faith communities were not prepared to help their members deal with crisis or loss at any level. The pat answers that most Christians fell back upon were based upon some disturbing and occasionally contradictory theologies. As I sought healing, I also felt calling to change my educational plans and go onto seminary to pursue a Master’s of Divinity. My thinking was that it was important for me to find a strong foundation from which to serve, and to find ways to help those who may be in similar situations as I had found myself. So, when I graduated from the University of Kentucky in 1993 with a Masters of Science in Educational and Counseling Psychology, I found myself driving yet again to Anderson Indiana to begin seminary in the fall.

Because of my prior work in psychology, my classes came easy to me. I excelled in the classroom environment and particularly with the coursework in pastoral care and counseling. To this day, I miss the classroom experience- the reading, discussions, and attempts to connect learning to real life. I also was given the opportunity to try my hand at direct pastoral leadership, serving a small country church primarily on Sundays. While the members of the congregation were loving and patient with me, I sensed that this would not be where my skills could best be put to use.

Instead, I began to resonate with a call to University life. I was working as an assistant football coach at my alma mater during the autumns of my degree program, and enjoyed my role as academic coordinator for our incoming athletes. I was also amazed at the amount of growth that I was able to observe in the four years that these young adults were in our program, and realized the significance of this time in life. As I continued my studies, I began exploring adolescent faith development, even focusing on this age group as a part of my internship at a large catholic hospital.

Upon graduation, I applied for a number of campus ministry positions, but found that my lack of direct experience limited my ability to find a position at any institutions. As I struggled with idea of unemployment, I was counseled by a campus minister to seek a position that would allow me to strengthen my resume with ministry with young adults. I soon accepted a role as an Associate Pastor for Youth and Contemporary Worship at a 1300 member United Methodist Church.

I enjoyed my work with the students and families of this congregation, and was able to be a part of a congregation that was doing quite a bit of vision casting for their future in the community. I had a number of supportive parents and friends, and was excited about the ways that I was able to connect and serve these people.

Beginning in April of my second year, there were several issues that arose in both my personal and professional life. While on a retreat with my youth, I received a call informing me that my niece had been killed in an auto accident. I left my students in the hands of my adult volunteers and went to Illinois to preach my first funeral. Two months later, our Associate pastor for pastoral care suffered a major stroke, and was unable to complete his responsibilities as a part of our congregation. I was asked to add his responsibilities to my duties, and I began to serve in this additional capacity for the better part of a year. As such, I found myself the primary contact person for the members and families of this congregation.

The result of this was predictable: my failure to deal with loss in my life yet again combined with my tendencies toward overwork in an attempt to excel at all of the responsibilities on my plate created an unhealthy lifestyle that impacted my friendships and relationships. Most significantly, my three year relationship with the woman that I was engaged to ended abruptly, sending me even deeper into a harmful pattern of behavior that included hyper-gymnasia and anorexia. Now, I can see that my family history had led me to this place, as had my desire to gain control over some part of a life that seemed to be spinning away from me.

In the midst of the next two years, I continued to be in leadership with my congregation. In retrospect, I should have sought professional care and counseling, but I was not emotionally at a place where I could have done this. Plus, to admit that I was not healthy would be to remove myself from the one thing that defined me- so I labored on.

However, I was blessed by two friends who were there both to hear the same sob story over and over, and to provide me with perspective when things got too difficult. I mentioned Carl earlier- from Chicago, he and his parents adopted me for many Wednesday-Saturday visits to the big city. I also was blessed by Troy, an Anderson University alumni and pastor’s son who began partnering with me in my work with the youth of our church. Troy eventually moved to Michigan to be near his wife’s family, and he serves as a youth pastor at a United Methodist church. Even though we’re on different sides of the country, we talk regularly and try to connect with each other at least once or twice a year. For instance, this past year, Carrie and I went with Carl and his family to visit their ancestral home in northern Italy- a trip we'd been talking about since college. Additionally Troy and his wife just visited us in Malibu and we were honored to ask to serve as surrogate parents for their son should something unfortunate occur. As they stood by me during some of the darkest times of my life, I was honored to have them stand with me at my wedding… but that's later in the story.